Hi. It’s me. Honestly, there has been so much happening that I have left you in the dark. And for that, I am sorry for the space. It’s like the awkward silence after you no longer have anything to say, but no one else says anything either. You just kind of sit there. And this awkward silence is literally me.
One of the reasons I have taken a while from writing is the fact that life has been so good. Like, so good, it doesn’t even feel like my life. I have struggled with seeing life in a positive light, and so it’s second nature to automatically believe that good things really don’t happen to me (even though they do). And because of this mindset that I have held onto for so many years of my life, I was in a state of ecstasy. I got the dream job that I didn’t even know I wanted until I got it, I have found an amazing group of friends that I never would have had I gone home for the summer, and I felt good. Good about who I was, and what I was doing.
Sounds perfect, right? It honestly was…until this week. You know how sometimes when life is so good, you forget about how sad it can be? Like all the past sadness and heartache fades away while the sun shines? Well, the sun set on me, leaving me in the dark nights that I thought I had long ago parted from. My mental health has been one of my biggest battles that I have had to fight, and through the happiness that I have felt these last two months, I thought I had finally conquered the beast. Freedom doesn’t even begin to describe how “new” I felt: I was a completely happier, enjoyable version of the old me, the girl that I thought had been lost in the chaos. But, her reappearance was short-lived. I have again been dropped to the lowest of lows, and have lost the view of the sunlight.
Sometimes, I like to talk about things to just get them off my chest because even though some people listen to your problems, do you ever worry that they hate you for it? I do. They aren’t my therapists, and so why should they care about the problems that are so menial to them, but colossal to me? There is also a stigma, at least for me, where I feel like I cannot be honest in how I really feel. And right now, that’s all I really want: full honesty.
I feel broken. Shattered. Used. Anxious. Angry. Hopeless. Immense Sadness…and I don’t know why. The light switch has gone out in my life, and I worry that I will never have the power to turn it back on. Darkness surrounds me, and while I come across as happy, cheerful, adventurous, and powerful, I am falling apart on the inside, piece by piece. There are some things, forces actually, that control me. I feel as though I have no control over my life, and that scares me. It scares me that I can tell myself that everything is going to be ok, but then be chastised by my mind into submission.
And because of this loss of control over my own life, I feel powerless. Unable to take back what has been lost, and left to the empty and hollow girl that I have become. If I am unable to love me, who is going to take the time to love me? No one is going to want the broken shell that is me. My mom always says that it is my fault that I am alone (while not as harsh as that, it’s the underlying message). See, boys ask me out, and then something happens where I find a fault in them, the date, or a combination of both: He’s weird. It didn’t click. The date was awkward. I am not attracted to him. The list tends to go on. So yes. I am setting myself up for failure from the get-go. No one seems to fit the bill–but I don’t even know what bill they are supposed to conform to. I have never had any experience, and as you can tell, my life is less than perfect. So what the heck am I looking for? The guy who I think holds all those qualities that I lack? The guy who will finally make me feel whole? The glue that holds all my broken parts together?
That, my friends, is the question. All I know is so far, no boy has taken the time to get to know me, to look past the brokenness, and it has been a big blow to my confidence. And from past posts, you all might be expecting some spiritual revelation that gives you reassurance that goodness and light will come. However, after this depressing rant, there is nothing I have to offer. This is me. This is the package deal – and while other’s seem to understand, alone is all I really feel.
Until next time.